i love you , boy

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 ' 1:09 AM

#703

Listening to: Maybe I'm Amazed by Jem

For once, I'm not putting up a song in an entry! Everyone say whoopee? It's so late now, like 1.09am on a Tuesday morning. Grrrr, really don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I'll be super tired! But anyway, tomorrow's Justine's last paper so all the best dearest! :D

So what's the deal now? My life feels nondescript, and there's not much I can do about it currently. Was doing mathematics in school, and I'm bloody worried now. I spent 3 hours on 5 questions from last year's A Level math paper. Hello? HELLO?! Ohmygodddd I know I know I know, ): ): ): So I'm doing math questions now and I do not feel like sleeping.

When I got home tonight, I spent 2 hours chatting with Mummy. Mainly about how unfair life has been to her, my under-valued dearest Mum. It pains me to think, that as a daughter I haven't been able to rise above to get straight As, like how many of my kind have. No, not even decent passing grades. No grades, no talent in bowling, no talent in anything except in games & probably, talking back?

Do you know how horrible it is, to see your parents disappointed in everything that you have done in your life? To say "Do your best. I don't expect much from you anymore." How my heart pains when I take money from my parents week after week, deep inside feeling guilty that I haven't proved my worth at all, how it is akin to throwing money into an incinerator. If people ask "What are you good at?", do I say "My PSLE score was 253"? It's such an insult, when friends go "EVEN Hui Ting knows...", you know that you are non-spectacular. Because I have to be the one who knows the last about everything? Is that it?

Yet, even as I type this entry, little exists to excite this dormant drive to excel which I trust, lies somewhere inside, somewhere. I tire.

XOXO